i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
