so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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