Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
