So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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