Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
