first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
two words: eviction party
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
