This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm just crazy horny about you
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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