please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
