Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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