why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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