Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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