i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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