if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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