i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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