allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
