Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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