New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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