Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
