Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
