So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Randomize
