before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
