My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
