On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
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Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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