Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
