i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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