I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
