Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
