Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
