I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Randomize
