I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
