Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
