All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
