Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
