dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
