Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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