my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
