I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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