Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
