just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
