Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
