alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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