Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
