Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My vagina just recognized that song.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
