I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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