I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
