Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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