Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
