Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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