remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I could make wine with my vomit
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
