dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
