Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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