I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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