go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
