you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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