Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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