Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
