I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
