Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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