Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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