I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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