saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
