I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
